question of the day

people often ask me "Lori, how do you keep your house so clean?"

okay, not really, but sometimes i wake up at 4am dreaming that people ask me that question. then i get up and go to the bathroom and wipe the dog hair off my feet before i get back in to bed.

but here's the catch. it's CLEAN dog hair.

so, grab a cup of coffee ... i'm about to share with you an undershared method to keep your house neat and tidy even when you live with dogs.

because this part is formal and all, i'm going to break down and use the CAPS key. here ya go ...

Step 1: Get Yourself a Labrador Retriever. Actually, I find an AKC registered Labrador Retriever that looks, acts and bays like a Bloodhound works best.

Step 2: Move your frozen behind to the subtropical regions of Texas and be sure you buy yourself a house with a pool. This is a must.

Step 3: Get yourself the niftiest ball-throwing device since the invention of the slingshot ... it's called a "Chuckit". The "Chuckit" makes Tony Romo's throwing arm look like a girly-man. I can easily get close to 100 yards on that thing with a tennis ball. Okay, so I haven't actually measured that but I can get the ball over the neighbor's driveway without throwing my back out. Plus you won't ever experience the "Bloodhound-masquerating-as-a-Labrador Retriever" slobbery, gooey-ness on your hands again.

Step 4: Have a little agreement with your "BHLR" (that's code for "Blood Hound Labrador Retriever" as typing it all out is making my fingers tired and causing my mind to wander to the bite size Chick-O-Stick candy we bought at Bass Pro Shops before Christmas) ... I will chuck the ball (get it? get it? "Chuckit" ... CHUCK IT ... those crazy ball throwing inventors sure knew how give it a name) ... and you, my beloved BHLR ... will go get it.

Step 5: CAUTION: This is a "multi-step" step ...

Me: Bend Over, Chuck the ball.

BHLR: Run Run Run Get The Ball Run Run Run Bring It Back.

Me: Bend Over, Chuck the ball.

BHLR: Run Run Run Get The Ball Run Run Run Bring It Back.

Me: Bend Over, Chuck the ball.

BHLR: Run Run Run Get The Ball Run Run Run Bring It Back.

Step 6: Repeat Step 5 until your BHLR's legs begin to shake and they're too exhausted to even open their jaws wide enough to let go of the ball, this is when you strike.

Step 7: Turn the quivering mass of overheated BHLR out in to the backyard and soon they will be paddling around the pool, even when the temperature dips below freezing. They will exit the pool and attempt to shake their water all over you before returning to the pool for another go 'round. This is a good time to hide behind the grill.

Step 8: Repeat Steps 5 and 6 and 7 several times a day.

We find that the laps around the pool not only serve to clean off the BHLR's hair, but to also loosen it up nicely so that when the BHLR is allowed back in the house to roll around on the brand new carpeting in order to dry off, the nice, clean hair sheds off nicely.

plus, nothing says "Clean House" like the smell of a wet dog.

least that's how we do it it 'round here.